January Blues

I am sick and tired of deployment. I feel as though I have reached my end and I am beginning to rot from the inside out.

As much as I hate that I am afraid to be alone at night and can't sleep alone, if I haven't gotten over it in six months I don't know that I ever will. I am ready to feel safe again.

Joe reminded me that he is the one sleeping in a cargo crate. This made me feel worse for him, the same amount of bad for myself, plus guilty.

As a little child and then again as a teenager, when feeling this frustrated, I would kick and scream and break things. I now feel like kicking and screaming and breaking things, however some things have changed. First of all, I am not as ornery as I use to be, secondly anything I could break is mine and thirdly, no amount of kicking and screaming is going to bring my mother into my room to give me what I want.

I feel so angry I don’t want to have anything to do with myself.

Sometimes I feel as if I have reached the end of my rope. Then I realize at the ropes end is just more annoyed and lonely and wishing that the ropes end was synonymous with the deployment's end.
I laugh when I realize that I am turning into my mother. I think "How can I go on like this." She says it dramatically out loud and mostly in reference to another pile of cat vomit on the floor.

It goes.